My mom suddenly passed away when I was 10 years old. My emotions were all over the place. A few weeks later, an adult snapped at me for making a mess, and I started to cry. His response to my tears was, “Just because your mom died doesn’t mean you can cry about every little thing.” The messages were loud and clear—it is not OK to be sad, and it is not OK to cry when you are.

As I’ve spoken with younger dads, they’ve shared that while they weren’t blatantly told that some emotions weren’t OK for boys, the messages have gotten through all the same. And here’s the problem: If we communicate those same messages to our sons, we raise emotionally stunted boys who grow up to be emotionally stunted men. For a boy to grow up truly strong, he must be strong emotionally. Here are 4 one-liners that create emotionally stunted boys.

1. “Be a man.”

I could not agree more with the following excerpt from Abby Watts’ iMom article “Being a Man in Today’s Society: 3 Words Hurting our Sons.”

“Think about when somebody says those words to a boy. ‘Be a man and stop crying. ‘ ‘Be a man and go punch that kid who took your bike.’ ‘You’re a virgin? Be a man and do it.’ Beneath the surface, ‘be a man’ tells boys to disconnect from their emotions, objectify women, and resolve conflicts through violence.”

Instead of saying “be a man,” say, “I know you can do the right thing, even when it is hard. ”

2. “Stop crying.”

If we aren’t comfortable with tears, we most likely are not OK with our sons’ tears, especially if they are “causing a scene.” Tears can come for many reasons and vary for every age, stage, and personality. But sometimes, crying is the body’s natural response to everything from deep sadness to grief to disappointment to excitement. Telling a boy to stop crying is like telling a hot child to stop sweating. I’m in no way suggesting we allow our kids to be emotional wrecks, but to demand a usually involuntary physical response to stop is not logical or helpful.

Instead of saying “stop crying,” ask, “Are these tears because you’re angry, frustrated, hurt?”

3. “Stop being so sensitive.”

If you could flip a switch and make your son less sensitive, would you? If your son is more sensitive than most, then you have more opportunities to help him build emotional muscles. You get more reps to help him learn to use sensitivity as a superpower in relationships and careers. Emotionally stunted boys are taught not to be sensitive. But doctors, police officers, coaches, teachers, lawyers, counselors, and many other professionals require a high level of sensitivity in their work.

Instead of saying “stop being so sensitive,” say, “I can tell you’re upset. What’s going on?”

4. “Keep it to yourself.”

Telling our sons to keep their emotions to themselves sends a dangerous message. We want our boys to talk to us. We don’t know how to help when we don’t know what’s going on. Shutting them down emotionally leaves them alone with only a boy’s brain and experience to navigate anger, frustration, anxiety, or feelings for a girl. Then, instead of maturing, our sons remain boys. And boys make terrible dads. Make sure your son knows he can share anything with you, and respond in a way that makes him feel safe.

Instead of saying “keep it yourself,” say, “You’re brave to tell me what’s going on.”

Sound off: Growing up, what common messages did kids receive about emotions that might have resulted in some emotionally stunted boys?

Source: All Pro Dads here