“Daddy, am I still killing you?” One night, my 4-year-old asked me this question as I put her to bed. The saddened look on her face told me I had hurt her feelings in some way. She told me how, earlier in the day, I kept saying to her and her sister that they were killing me when they left their magnetic tiles around the house, stepped into the pile of debris I swept, or spilled a drink off the table. I realized I was unconsciously voicing my frustration by telling my kids that their behavior was “killing me,” and my 4-year-old took it literally. I felt like the worst father in the world.

As dads, we’ve all been there—your kid is acting out, and you struggle to respond constructively. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to resort to unhelpful phrases that only escalate the situation. Let’s take a look at 5 common responses to avoid and how to respond when your kids misbehave.

1. “Listen to me.”

It’s easy to shout this out in frustration when your child isn’t following instructions. However, demanding that your kids listen is unlikely to achieve the desired result. I often make this mistake because I am busy doing something else, and it’s easier to bark orders, but this can lead to power struggles and further defiance. A more effective approach is to get down to the child’s level, make eye contact, and explain your instructions clearly and calmly.

2. “Why did you do that?”

Even with adults, asking “why” questions can often come across as accusatory or aggressive, putting them on the defensive. Children can’t always explain their behavior, especially younger ones. Instead of interrogating them, focus on addressing the behavior and redirecting them to more positive actions. Tell them WHAT they can do instead of asking WHY they did the wrong thing.

3. “What’s wrong with you?”

This statement is hurtful and implies something is inherently wrong with your child, which can damage his or her self-esteem. Children may misbehave due to unmet needs, emotional instability, or a lack of understanding. Rather than attacking their character, try to understand the underlying causes of their behavior, and address them with empathy and guidance.

4. “Behave, and you can have…”

Bargaining with your kids may work in the short term, but it can reinforce the idea that good behavior is only motivated by rewards rather than instilling intrinsic values. From experience, it can lead to a cycle of constantly needing to offer rewards to maintain desired behavior. My 9-year-old still asks me to tell her a story while we eat because that is how I rewarded her as a younger child for eating her food. Instead, focus on setting clear expectations and praising positive behaviors when they occur naturally.

5. “You’re driving me crazy!”

This unconscious response of frustration may make your child feel guilty for causing you distress. Instead, take a moment to calm down and collect your thoughts before responding. It’s OK to acknowledge your feelings, but do so constructively, such as, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Let’s take a break and come back to this.” I started taking deep breaths before responding to my kids, and it has helped my responses tremendously.

Sound off: Do you know how to respond when your kids misbehave? What works well for you? 

Source: All Pro Dad here