Welcome to the Dads’ Guide to Divorce series, where I aim to support fathers navigating the often tumultuous waters of divorce or life after it. Over the next few posts, I’ll share a 5-step process that I’ve developed to help you identify and implement a plan for your life, ensuring that you and your children can move forward toward a brighter future.

Step 1: Clarify Your Vision and Direction

Facing the Storm

Entering into or dealing with the aftermath of a divorce is undoubtedly one of the most challenging experiences a man can face. The pain and suffering involved can be overwhelming, as I know from personal experience. It’s crucial to acknowledge that feeling lost or uncertain about your future is entirely normal. Divorce often comes with a flood of emotions: the loss of your partner, not seeing your children daily, financial fears, and more. These emotions are not only common but a necessary part of the healing process.

I encourage you to allow yourself to feel these emotions. Seek support through a coach or therapist if you can, or join a men’s group or support network if resources are limited. Understanding and managing these feelings is the first step toward finding clarity.

Why Clarify Your Vision?

As men, our sense of identity is often closely tied to our vision for our lives. Many of us don’t realize this until a significant disruption like divorce occurs. We may have “slid” into our life circumstances rather than consciously deciding each step, a concept Dr. Scott Stanley refers to as “Sliding vs. Deciding.” Perhaps your journey went something like this: you met your ex, started dating, moved in together for convenience, married because it seemed the next step or due to pregnancy, had kids, bought a house… and now, here you are.

This narrative might sound familiar, and while there’s nothing inherently wrong with this progression, it often leads to a lack of intentional direction. The good news is that divorce, despite its challenges, provides a unique opportunity. It disrupts your previous vision and direction, offering a chance to realign your life intentionally.

It All Begins with Clarifying Your Future Self

In a previous post, “The Dirty Word: Sacrifice,” I discussed our unique ability as humans to envision our future. This ability has propelled our evolution and improved our quality of life immensely. It’s time to apply this skill to your personal journey.

As Dr. Benjamin Hardy puts it, “When you decide who you’ll be and the life you’ll live, then you can have anything you truly want.”

Here’s a simple 2-step process to help you clarify your vision and direction for life after divorce:

1. Morning Journaling

Start by purchasing a journal to keep by your bedside. Each morning, spend 5–10 minutes writing down your thoughts and feelings. This is when your mind is most clear and creative, having sorted through your challenges during sleep. Use this time to answer the following questions:

• Who is your future self 3 years from now?
• What does a “normal” day look like for this future self?
• What matters most to your future self?
• Why do you want to become this person?

Commit to this practice for 21 straight days to refine your vision and direction.

2. Morning Contemplative Practice

Incorporate a contemplative practice into your morning routine. This could be meditation, prayer, or any activity that allows you to center yourself and contemplate your future vision. Here are a few suggestions:

• Meditation: I recommend the 6 Phase Meditation from Mindvalley. It’s short, simple, and effective. Listen to it before or after your journaling.
• Walking: Walk for at least 15 minutes daily. Choose calming music that evokes reflection, such as classical music, and think about your journal entries.

Your contemplative practice can be any activity that grounds and centers you, allowing you to reflect on your vision. Other popular practices include gardening, running, yoga, weight lifting, motorcycle riding, shooting, swimming, or cooking. Try different ones until you find what works best for you and stick to it for 21 days.

Building Your Foundation

By dedicating yourself to this 2-step process, you’re laying the foundation for your future. This clarity of vision and direction will guide you as you build an amazing life for yourself and your children.

Stay tuned for Step 2, where we’ll explore how to strategize your actions to align with your new vision and direction. Your journey to a fulfilling post-divorce life is just beginning!